Sharing your kids with an ex at Christmas is bad – here’s my unpopular advice

Dealing with an ex about the kids’ Christmas arrangements can be tricky… that’s putting it nicely.

I did it for a decade and know it’s often a total show at a time of year when the mental load is high and tolerance levels are low.

I had a panic attack on our first Christmas apart

I remember the first time after our breakup that I handed my three-year-old over to his father for Christmas lunch. I was completely cautious, so when my ex asked me for some time, of course I agreed.

But this was a man I left partly because he was a neglectful parent; he smoked next to our son – one day I even came across our 18 month old smoking after discovering a pack on the kitchen bench.

So, suffice it to say I was a little worried about what he was going to eat that day. *bitter laugh

In fact, I had a full blown panic attack after putting it together.

I had never had one, so I called my mom and she talked me through it. But those hours waiting for him to return safely – with a dad who enjoyed a drink, on a high-risk road safety day – were agony.

I didn’t know how I was going to do it again the next year. What I didn’t see coming is that I wouldn’t have to.

My opinion on separating the children at Christmas

By the time of the following Christmas, my ex was fully settled with a new partner who had a large extended family. And we were another year ahead of me with full care – a situation he never argued about.

All this meant was one, my ex had more important people to keep happy, and two, he was more used than ever to not be fully involved with our child.

He asked to have it for a few hours on Boxing Day, and that was it.

Over the years, the requirements for Christmas, and especially the day, have changed, which was absolutely fine by me. I wouldn’t encourage our son to spend time with someone he only saw intermittently at such a special time.

So that’s one big lesson I can share with you: things change, kids change, needs change, jobs change: dynamics change. Life most likely won’t be like this forever.

(I was fortunate that our situation de-escalated over the years, so our safety increased. Of course, it’s very different for other families. I can only speak from my own experience where domestic violence was resolved.)

Don’t panic, especially at Christmas and other special occasions such as birthdays and school holidays.

Over time, children will learn to talk about what they want and you will become more confident in standing up for them and yourself. Even when there are proper adjustments.

It’s not just about parental rights

Attitudes towards shared care and co-parenting are not what they used to be. In many cases, children’s needs and preferences are taken into account as much as possible.

It’s not just about parental rights. Even children have rights.

It is generally more accepted now that as children get older, sharing time between homes becomes more challenging for them and bonds can still be formed and grown without mandates.

You will see that your family does not need to adhere to traditional ‘social norms’ and what works for some people may not be appropriate for your situation.

Whatever was agreed upon in the beginning simply won’t be the same by the time they’re 16 – or likely much earlier.

So my advice is if you are handing your kids in at some point at Christmas this year… I understand it will be hard but take comfort in knowing it won’t be like this forever.